Ted the fanboy is sitting in his
room, putting the final touches on his masterpiece message board post.
Ted: (typing)
...really stupid! FUNimation?
They should be called DUMBimation! They completely ruined the ART
of Dragon Ball Z! When they have people say "next dimension" instead
of "dead" that's just like putting a pair of pants on the Mona Lisa or
something! I think everyone at BADimation are gay fags that like
to suck gay cocks all day long! People who watch the dub are stupid
idiots who have never seen the real show and everyone at CRAPimation should
be slowly tortured for three weeks and then publicly executed! They
are corporate sellouts who only care about money! Death to FAGimation!!!!
Please check out my hentai site!
sUpErSaIyAjIn tEd ^_^
Ted: Heh heh. FAGimation. Check
mate world of comedy. Check mate. (looks around his room)
Ted's room is littered with Dragon Ball Z merchandise.
His computer is covered with stickers all over, he has dragon Ball Z sheets
on his bed, action figures set up in intricate poses throughout the room,
his extensive video game library in the corner contains every japanese
DBZ game ever made (he learned to speak Japanese to help him play them),
there are discarded bottles of Dragon Ball Z juice, and in his closet sits
one full sized Vegeta love doll.
Ted: Staring at that computer screen to
type that three page post sure did made my eyes tired. (takes out
and uses his imported Dragon Ball Z eye drops) That's better!
I feel like my eyes are infused with Super-Saiyajin power! There
are no DBZ eye drops here in America. (sits down on his bed, sulking,
he looks out the window to see his 8 year old next door neighbor Timmy
playing with his own American made Dragon Ball Z action figures on the
sidewalk)
Timmy: (picks up Vegeta) I'm going
to send you to the next dimension! (picks up Krillen) No!
Eternal Dragon, hear my howl!
Ted: (shakes head sadly) Poor dub
watcher. He will never know the incredible glory of the one and only
REAL Dragon Ball Z. He'll never see the best piece of anime ART ever
created in the history of mankind. No one understands. (picks
up his Cell action figure) But you understand, don't you Cell?
You're my only friend. (sighs) If only FUNimation didn't exist,
and DBZ had been translated by someone who cared about the integrity of
the art.
Gokou: (suddenly appears out of nowhere)
You'd like that, huh?
Ted: HOLY SWEET DENDE! It's Gokou!
I probably shouldn't have taken all those Dragon Ball Z cough drops.
Gokou: I'm not the REAL Gokou. I'm
your guardian angel. Your deranged mind has chosen to see me in this
form for some reason.
Ted: Guardian angel? KICK ASS!
Does this mean you're going to take me to some alternate universe where
FUNimation never was and Dragon Ball Z was uncensored, just because I casually
mentioned that I would like that?
Gokou: You bet.
Ted: Yeah! (runs over to Gokou and
hugs him)
Gokou: Um... no need for that.
Ted: Okay. So, like, take me.
Gokou: I am.
Ted: .............................well?
Gokou: We're here.
Ted: That was it?
Gokou: Yeah. Did you think your room
would look any different?
Ted: So... in this world, DBZ was translated
RIGHT?
Gokou: Sure was. In fact, I think
there's an episode on right now. (turns on the TV)
Dodoria (on TV): Now I will murder small
children! [ZAP!] Ha ha! Die little green boy!
Dende (on TV): On no! My brother was
brutally murdered by evil fat pink alien! That made me sad!
Ted: Yeah! They actually kept that
scene in! And the voices are good too!
Gokou: It's utterly uncut.
Ted: I bet everyone loves DBZ this way!
It must be a big hit!
Gokou: Let's just see how big a hit it is.
Instantaneous movement!
They suddenly appear before some sort of a
large protest
Ted: Huh? What's this?
People are holding up signs reading "Dragon
Ball Z is the work of SATAN (Japan)", "DBZ destroys young minds", "Think
of the children", "DBZ causes skin cancer", etc.
Ted: What's going on? It almost seems
like these people don't... LIKE the uncut version!
Gokou: They don't like it at all, Ted.
These people are members of the organization P.A.A.T.I.G., Parents Against
All That Is Good. They're a group of "responsible parents" who make
the world a better place to live for their offspring by attempting to destroy
all that offends them. As soon as the uncut Dragon Ball Z premiered
here, they started a campaign against it. Their goal: to have
all Dragon Ball Z related material in the U.S. destroyed, and all those
they found in possession of it slowly tortured for three weeks and then
publicly executed.
Ted: Eep. But... these crazies will
never succeed in their goal. Who cares what some idiots think?
Gokou: Hate to tell you, but they already
have succeeded. That law in in effect at this very moment.
Ted: Huh?? But... on the TV...
Gokou: The show we watched as an illegally
owned tape you purchased off the black market. All your merchandise
is the same. You would be in big trouble if anyone ever knew you
had that stuff. In fact, the FBI has been tracking you for some time,
and already has a lot on you. All they need is a little more evidence
and they'll bust down your door and haul you off.
Ted: (eyes wide) But... but... what's
this protest for if the law is already passed?
Gokou: They want the U.S. military to bomb
Japan as a retaliatory strike.
Ted: WHAT?!
Gokou: (shrugs) They're expected to
get their way any week now.
Ted: This... this is horrible.
Gokou: And now, let's take a look at something
a little closer to home. Instantaneous Movement!
They appear inside a house.
Ted: Hey, this is my next door neighbors'
house. Hey, that's Timmy. What the...
Timmy is imprisoned inside some sort of a glass
tube in the living room. He is sitting on a wooden chair (the only
thing in there with him) and looking bored.
Ted: What the hell is this? Why is
Timmy in there?
Gokou: Timmy's parents happened to catch
him watching an episode of Dragon Ball Z before it was banned. They
walked in to see him watching a cartoon with spouting blood. Now
he stays in there all day, because they want to protect him. He sees
a psychologist three times a week, and he only gets to come out to do his
homework, read the Bible each night, and once a week they'll let him play.
With supervision of coarse.
Ted: (shakes his head sadly) Maybe
I shouldn't ask, but what does he play with if not Dragon Ball Z toys?
Gokou: Let's go up to his room and see.
(they walk up a flight of stairs, and and into a hallway. He opens
a door on the left, revealing Timmy's room.)
The room is covered all over, with... Pokemon
merchandise.
Ted: NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Pikachu toy with flashing red cheeks: Pika!
Pika!
Ted: Gokou! I was wrong! I'm
sorry I said all those mean things about FUNimation! They're not
bad! Please take me back to the real world, where I can watch my
fansubs in peace! It's a wonderful life!
Gokou: Hmmmm. (deep in thought)
No. Sorry. You can stay here, fanboy. (disappears)
Ted: (calmly walks out of Timmy's room,
closing the door behind him. He walks down the hall into Timmy's
parents' room, where he takes a loaded gun from Timmy's father's dresser.
A single tear touches his cheek as he blows his brains out)
Gokou: (reappears) Just kidding!
Oops. Hmmm... I guess he sent himself to... THE NEXT DIMENSION!
Hahaha. I kill me. (disappears)
And now, on to the real episode!
Episode Five
"The Next Dimension"
On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite,
absolutely nothing of any importance happened at all. Will something
happen this time? Find out on this exiting episode of... Dragon Ball
Z Rewrite!
Gokou is running along Snake Way, attempting
to reach the secluded home of the great King Kai so that he can train with
him and be powerful enough to defeat the Saiyans who are at this very moment
traveling towards the planet Earth.
Gokou: Ironically, if I hadn't died, I wouldn't
have been able to get this training, and then when the Saiyans came I would
almost definitely lose. Dragon Ball Z is the first series where death
is not only something utterly superficial and temporary which there is
no reason to fear, but it's actually a GOOD thing. Hey, who am I
talking to? Oh well. (continues running along)
Suddenly, the sky goes dark, and a booming
voice is heard from the heavens.
Voice: GOKOU.
Gokou: Woah. Who are you. ANOTHER
God?
Voice: SO TO SPEAK. I'M SOME RANDOM
GUY, THE WRITER OF THIS STORY.
Gokou: Woah. You're going to do that
thing where you, the writer, speak directly to the characters in the story?
Since when is that funny?
Some Random Guy: (sighs) I DON'T CARE.
THE TRUTH IS, GOKOU, I'VE BEEN TRYING AND FAILING TO THINK OF SOMETHING
FUNNY TO DO WITH YOU SINCE THE END OF EPISODE 3. I JUST CAN'T SEEM
TO THINK OF ANY WAY TO MAKE FUN OF EITHER OF THE TWO FILLER EPISODES OF
YOU ON SNAKE WAY. EITHER THE ONE WHERE YOU FALL INTO HELL AND ESCAPE
BY RUNNING UPWARDS THROUGH A DESK, OR THE COMPLETELY NONSENSICAL ONE WHERE
SOME LADY IN A PALACE TRIES TO SEDUCE YOU AND SHE ENDS UP REALLY BEING
A GIANT SNAKE. OR ELSE THE PALACE WAS THE SNAKE. OR SOMETHING.
Gokou: No no, you see the whole thing was
just an illusion. The big snake eats me and and then it tries to
make me fall in love with it so... hey, that one really did make no sense.
Anyway, I think you just did make fun of those episodes.
Some Random Guy: YEAH, BUT I DON'T HAVE
ENOUGH JOKES TO MAKE A WHOLE SEGMENT ABOUT YOU.
Gokou: Oh, I see. Okay then, why not
just skip ahead to King Kai. Surely you can think of something funny
to say about that zany blue catfish god.
Some Random Guy: YEAH, I'M JUST GONNA DO
THAT. TOO BAD THOUGH. I JUST KNOW BY THE TIME I SIT DOWN TO
WRITE EPISODE 6 I'M GONNA HAVE TONS OF JOKES ABOUT YOU GOING TO HELL.
Gokou: Oh well. Bye then.
Some Random Guy: BYE.
Gokou: Oh, and Some Random Guy?
Some Random Guy: WHAT?
Gokou: Don't do that talking directly to
the characters thing again. It's really unprofessional.
Some Random Guy: SORRY.
Gokou: (running along) Hey, would
you look at that! I think I see a tiny plant up there in the air
a bit down the road! I must be here! That sure took quicker
than expected. (snickers) Well, I guess I'll just jump up there.
(jumps up and lands on the planet) On no! It's all heavy here
and stuff! (struggling to stand) Sweet God no! This planet
has THREE TIMES Earth's gravity! If I weigh 200 pounds on earth,
I way 600 pounds here! This seems to be too heavy to move around,
even though I'm capable of destroying a planet pretty easily and can probably
lift a few tons in one hand without breaking a sweat.
King Kai: (steps in) Hello there!
You must be here to train!
Gokou: Yeah. I have a few months to
become approximately a bazillion times better a fighter than I am now so
I can save the world.
King Kai: Okay. I'll make bad jokes
and you can brutalize my zany anthropomorphic animal friends. This
will inexplicably teach you new attacks.
Gokou: Good plan!
All across the universe, things are all starting
to come into place for the greatest confrontation the world had ever seen.
In space, near Earth.
Vegeta: Nappa! I'm becoming a Super
Saiyan!
Nappa: (sarcastically) Yeah, I just
bet you are. It's too bad I can't see you since we're in separate
ships and all.
Vegeta: Yeah, too bad. I guess I'll
have to show off my new SUPER SAIYAN powers for the first time there on
Earth.
Nappa: Yeah, guess so.
Vegeta: We're almost there right?
Nappa: Just about.
In Kami's palace.
Tien: (sparring with Chouzu inside a large
room) So... I bet those aliens are gonna be, like, really tough.
Chouzu: Yeah... I bet. WOAH!
(they both dodge out of the way just in time as a large chandelier comes
crashing down.
Krillen: (floating up by the rope that held
the chandelier up) Oh my god! Did you guys see that?
That chandelier must have been really unstable! Someone could have
been HURT. You're not hurt are you?
Chouzu: (scowls) No.
Krillen: (looking disappointed, he flies
off)
Tien: You guys have really gotta stop trying
to kill each other.
Chouzu: It'll all be over soon. I
put a bomb in his car. Heh heh heh.
Tien: Ummm... I don't think Krillen has
a car.
Chouzu: He... doesn't?
Tien: (shakes his head)
Chouzu: Uh oh. This could be very
embarrassing. Scuse me for a minute. (sprints off)
Tien: (sighs)
At Piccolo's suburban residence.
Piccolo: Hmm. Those aliens are due
to be here sometime soon. I really should start training Gohan or
something.
Gohan: Mr. Piccolo! Look at this amusing
SuperFriends "WUSSUP" commercial I found on the internet!
Piccolo: Coming.
Above a burning husk of a town, the sixth one
Chi-Chi has razed.
Chi-Chi: Find... Gokou... KILL!
At King Kai's planet.
King Kai: And now you must... kick Scruffy!
(places a small puppy on the ground)
Scruffy: (wags his tail and barks happily)
King Kai: Kicking Scruffy will improve your
martial arts skills greatly.
Gokou: Uh... if you say so. (kicks
the small puppy, sending it far into the air, it becomes a tiny speck and
vanishes)
King Kai: And now you must... choke Fluffy!
Finally, in the center of a large city, the
two space pods containing the evil space warriors crash down.
Yamucha: (sparring with Tien, he gasps)
They're here!
Tien: Yes.
Chouzu: About to stab Krillen in the back
with a large knife, he abruptly turns around) Oh no! They're
here!
Krillen: (spins around, seeing Chouzu)
Hey!
Elsewhere
Piccolo: (eyes wide) They're here!
Gohan!
Gohan: What?
Piccolo: They're here! Those Sailor
Moon fansubs we ordered are finally here!
Gohan: Oh boy! I want to be just like
Sailor Moon!
Piccolo: Uhh... (gasp) Oh no, the
Saiyans have arrived!
Elsewhere
Kami: (communicating telepathically)
Gokou, they're here! The Saiyans have arrived.
Gokou: King Kai! The Saiyans are here!
King Kai: Great. So now you'll get
wished back and go easily kill them. Oh yeah, and it will take a
day for you to run back to Earth, thereby allowing time for all the others
to fight ineffectually before you come in and single-handedly save the
day.
Gokou: WHAT?!
King Kai: (shrugs) More dramatic that
way.
Elsewhere
Nappa: (stepping out of his space pod)
We're here.
Vegeta: I can see that, you idiot.
Nappa: I was just being dramatic.
You know, like how every time someone is hit they get covered in smoke,
and then when it clears they're not really dead.
Vegeta: You're not too bright, are you Nappa?
Nappa: I've noticed you're still not a Super
Saiyan.
Vegeta: Well I was for a little while.
End Episode Five
On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z rewrite,
the battle finally begins, and everyone screams the names of their attacks
before
executing them for some strange reason. All of the characters will
demonstrate how utterly useless they are, and Gokou will have to save them.
Also, Piccolo, who like all the Dragon Ball villains has seen the value
of kindness and honor and turned good, will make a touching sacrifice and
save Gohan's life. I just gave away everything that really happens,
so you might as well not even bother watching the next exiting episode
of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "Everyone dies, but that's okay" |