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Episode 11
"The journey to Namek"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Bulma Krillen and Gohan were leaving the atmosphere on the first leg of the trip to Namek, using a space ship they found through unexplained means.  But Chi-Chi is hot on their heels!  How will they escape?  How will they stop that unstoppable force?  No seriously, how.  I can't think of anything.

Krillen:  Shit!  Shit!  We aren't gonna make it!

Bulma:  Since we can't stop her by force, we must appeal to her emotions.  We'll have to convince her that taking her son away to some strange planet in deep space on the assumption that there is a way there to wish back the man she killed is really the right thing to do.

Krillen:  Let's throw stuff at her!

Bulma:  Hey, yeah!  I bet if we throw Gohan down, she'll stop chasing after us!

Gohan:  Uh...

Outside the ship

Chi-Chi:  First Gokou betrays me like this, and the Krillen!  What is it with me and the wrong kind of man?  Could it be that I'm subconsciously attracted to men who would victimize me like this?  Possibly due to some early childhood experience?  (thinking)

Young Chi-Chi:  Daddy, why do I always have to wear this tiny pink bathing-suit-like thing for clothes?  It's very uncomfortable, especially in the winter.

Ox King:  Don't complain.  Chi-Chi, come over here, and let me give you some... "candy."

Young Chi-Chi:  Candy?

Ox King:  Yes, come over here and eat this... "candy."  It's in my pants.

Young Chi-Chi:  No, daddy!  No!  Don't do that!  Please!  Nooo!

Ox King:  What?  Don't you like the... "candy?"  It's a... "cherry lolly pop."  Your favorite.

Young Chi-Chi:  No, I mean those little quote things you're making in the air with your fingers.  That's really annoying.  And on top of that, you seem to be doing them for no reason whatsoever.

Ox King:  Oh, sorry.

Young Chi-Chi:  It's okay.

Ox King:  Now come over here so I can "sexually molest you."

Chi-Chi:  Well since nothing like that flashback ever happened to me, it must just be that all men are pigs!!!  Shit, now where did that space ship go?

Inside the ship, now outside the Earth's atmosphere.

Bulma:  Wow, that was weird.  Chi-Chi just stopped chasing us and paused in midair, as if deep in thought.

Gohan:  Yes, almost as if she was remembering some past experience and forgot to chase us.

Krillen:  That sure was lucky.  It's almost as if the "writers" of fate got finished writing the last "episode" of our life, but couldn't think of a way to get the characters out of the situation they put them in, so they had to make a somewhat weak joke to serve as a bad excuse.

Bulma:  God works in mysterious ways.

Kami:  No I don't.

Gohan:  (confused)  But... Kami isn't even on this ship with us.

Kami:  Maybe I am, young Gohan.  Maybe if you really believe I'm here, I am... (fades away and disappears)

Later, elsewhere on Earth...

Ox King:  (hears a knocking on his door)  Hey, looks like I have "company."  (opens the door)  Oh, "hello" Chi-Chi.  It sure is "nice" of you to "visit" me.

Chi-Chi:  (punches the Ox King in the stomach)

Meanwhile, on King Kai's planet.

Gokou:  Come, my friends!  We must set off to the mountains of Peril!

All:  Yes! (they walk three or four feet to reach the mountain)

Gokou:  Now... we must begin our dangerous ascent!

All:  Yes!  (begin climbing up the roughly-10-feet-tall mountain)

Piccolo:  Ugh.  (sweating profusely, and trying to grab for a handhold)  It's too hard.  I can't make it.  All these years of sitting in front of the TV have left me terribly out of shape.  I bet I wouldn't even be able to destroy a decently sized sun these days.  Gokou, just leave me here.  Go on without me.

Gokou:  Piccolo, no!  You can't give up!  We must all make it to the top!  Please, find the willpower to keep going.  Do it... for Gohan.

Piccolo:  (his eyes tear up, and he starts climbing again)  For... Gohan.

Chouzu:  Look, we're almost at the top!  Just a little bit more!

Tien:  (a rock he was holding crumbles away, and he starts to slip)  Aaah!

Gokou:  (grabs Tien's hand)  Tien!  No!

Tien:  Gokou!  Help me!  (his hand is starting to slip out of Gokou's)  I... please, don't let me fall!

Gokou:  Just hold on Tien!  I won't let you fall!  JUST HOLD ON!

Tien:  (his hand is slipping even more)  Gokou!!

Gokou:  TIEN!!

Tien:  (he finally loses his grip on Gokou's hand, and falls)  Gooookooouuu!!!

Gokou:  Tien!  TIEN!  NO!

Tien:  (lands on his ass at the bottom of the mountain)  Oof.

Chouzu:  Tien!  My best friend!  NO!  This can't be happening!  Why, Tien?  WHY?!?!  (turns to Gokou)  How could you!  You let him slip!  It's all your fault he fell!

Gokou:  (crying)  I'm sorry... I just couldn't hold on any more.  It... it is all my fault.  I'm sorry Tien, I let you down.

Yamucha:  Chouzu, stop!  It's not Gokou's fault!  Tien was his friend too.  He did the best he could!

Chouzu:  I... I... (looks ashamed)  You're right, Yamucha.  (turns to Gokou)  Gokou, I'm sorry.  You did the best you could.  I'm sure wherever Tien is...  (he looks into the sky) he appreciates you always being a friend to him.

Tien:  I'm down here.

All:  (ignoring him)

Piccolo:  Now let us remember Tien for a brief moment before continuing our ascent.

All:  (bow their heads in silence for a moment)

Picoolo:  Okay, let's go.

All:  (they climb over the top of the peak, finding a strange old man sitting on a chair)

Old Man:  Hello, travelers.  It has been a long time since anyone reached the top of the peak like this.  I'm impressed.

Gokou:  Are you the keeper of the Dragon Ball?

Old Man:  Indeed I am.

Gokou:  My friend, we need it.  We have a noble cause.  I wanna come back to life so I can kill me wife.

Old Man:  I sense your intentions are pure.  Very well, I shall allow you to take the seven trials.

Gokou:  Seven trials?

Old Man:  Yes, the seven trials.  These sacred tests are designed to test the wisdom, courage, and willpower of the takers.  Only one truly worthy may pass them, and claim... the sacred Dragon Ball.

Gokou:  The seven trials.  All right.  (nods his head)  That sounds all right.  But I have an even better idea.  How about I DON'T!!  (ki blasts the old man into oblivion)

Yamucha:  Look, it was just in his pocket.  (picks up the Dragon Ball from the pike of dust the old man left)

Chouzu:  Wow, these things are durable.  It's a good thing they are, or you could have destroyed it.  Be more careful, Gokou.

Gokou:  (shrugs)

Yamucha:  Okay, we have them all.  Let's fly down and wish Gokou back now.

Some time later, back on Earth.

Gokou:  Well, I'm wished back.  Now all there is left to do is to find a way to wish back the others.  Too bad Piccolo isn't still alive, otherwise Kami would be alive too, and then we could just use the Dragon Balls to wish everyone back.  Hey, wait...

In heaven.

Piccolo:  Hey, wait...

Back on Earth.

Gokou:  Oh well.  (walks off in no particular direction)

Meanwhile, Bulma Krillen Gohan and Kami are hurtling through space in that ship they somehow have.

Gohan:  I'm soooo bored!  Argh, there is nothing to do on this ship!

Krillen:  Here Gohan, you can read some of my comics. (hands Gohan a stack of comic books)  I brought them along so I would have something to do, but you can have some.  Just don't crease the pages.

Gohan:  But... we went to the circus and got shot out of a cannon.  How could you possibly have them?

Krillen:  I carry them everywhere.

Gohan:  ...

Later, after hours of reading comic books, Gohan is sitting alone...

Gohan:  (reading "Outer Space Adventures", vol. 78)  Hmm... (gasps)  Oh no, this comic says there are m-m-m-monsters in outer space!  What if they attack us?  What if we're attacked by horrible space monsters with green skin and claws, or three eyes, or talking pigs that turn into stuff!  Actually, that last one wouldn't be very scary.

Elsewhere in the ship.

Krillen:  I'm hungry.  I think I will go to the refrigerator and get something to eat.

Bulma:  (calling from the next room)  What?  Did you say something Krillen?

Krillen:  I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to myself!  (walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator)  Hmm, I wanted to have a ham sandwich, but there is only turkey left.

Bulma:  (walks in)  Did you say something to me?

Krillen:  No, damn it!  Am I not even allowed to talk about sandwiches to no one in particular without the people in the next room harassing me?!

Bulma:  Well sorry, mr. cranky.  (walks off)

Krillen:  Being locked up together in this small ship is really getting to me.  The three of us are probably gonna hate each other by the end of this trip.

Gohan:  (walks in)  What?

Krillen:  I'm not talking to you!!

Gohan:  (blinks in surprise, and then looks around the room)  Um, who are you talking to?

Krillen:  Uh... no one!  (storms off)

Gohan:  Gee, Krillen is sure acting strange. (gasps)  Oh no, could it be- (he runs back to the stack of comic books, and picks up one particular issue)  Sweet god no!  Krillen is being possessed by a space monster!  It says right here that there is a type of space monster which can crawl into your ear and posses your brain, and then it makes you kill your friends so it can eat them!  Let's see, what are the signs that someone is possessed by one.  The first is that they seem to be talking to no one in particular, but actually they're communicating with their superiors!  Oh no, Krillen did that!

Bulma:  (walks in)  Did you say something, Gohan?

Gohan:  Um, no.  I didn't say anything.

Bulma:  (sighs and walks off)

Gohan:  I can't let Bulma know, because she might be one too!  I have to go find out for sure if Krillen is possessed by a space monster!

Bulma:  (walks back in)  What?  Did you say my name?

Gohan:  NO!

But the trio of heroes are no the only ones heading to planet Namek.  At that very moment, on Vegeta's ship.

Vegeta:  (hyperventilating)  Gah!  Freeza... coming... too!  Must!  Get... dragon balls!  I must... have them!  No one can... defeat... me!  I am a super Saiyan!  I AM!  I AM A.... SUPER SAIYAN!  Shut up!  SHUT UP!  (looking around the tiny ship insanely)  You don't believe I'm a super Saiyan, do you?  DO YOU?!  I... I am the most powerful... I'm really very... HOW DARE ANYONE PLAY SAILOR MOON BETTER THAN I... I... my hair looks kind of gold in the right light... if... only... I AM MORE POWERFUL THAN ALL OF YOU!  I AM A SUPER SAIYAN AND I WILL DESTROY YOU ALL JUST LIKE I KILLED ALL THOSE OTHER PEOPLE I AM VERY VERY MIGHTY AND I CAN KILL WHOEVER DAMN IT YOU WERE NEVER A FATHER FOR ME, DAD!  Sometimes I just want to be held!  Is that so wrong!?  (crying)  No, no, it's okay.  Just calm down Vegeta.  Yes, soon I will have the dragon balls.  Yes, then everything will be all right.  (hugging himself and rocking back and forth slowly)  When I have the dragon balls all my problems will drift away like clouds on a warm summers day to the land of happiness and love and all the bunnies will frolic in the woods and the marshmallow cream filling GOD DAMN IT FREEZA IS COMING!  (and so forth)

And on Freeza's ship...

Guard 1:  (patrolling the halls, he comes upon another guard)  WHAAZUP!

Guard 2:  WHAAZUP!

Guard 1:  So what's up B?

Guard 2:  Patrolin' the halls, havin' a bud.

Guard 1:  True, true.

Guards:  (laughing hilariously, suddenly they both explode)

Freeza:  Yeah, reeeaaal witty.  Idiots.

Zarbon:  (walks in)  Heh heh, good one master Freeza.  You sure did kill those guards.

Freeza:  Yes.  Yes I did.

Zarbon:  It's not like we use them or need them for anything.  We pretty much just have them along for no reason.

Freeza:  Yes, we do not need them.  It is not like I need guarding.  After all, I am the most powerful being in the universe.  Nothing matches my power.  Except of coarse for my dad King Cold and my brother Cooler.  And my other brother Colda.  And my sister Icey.  And my half sister Chilly.  And my distant cousin Vanilla Ice.  And my uncle, the ninja assassin Sub Zero.  And then of coarse, there is my nephew Sno-cone.  And my cousin Popsicle.  We all used to call him Pops.  Heh heh heh.  Then we would push him in the dirt.  Heh heh heh.

Zarbon:  Uh...

Freeza:  But enough about my relatives.  The point is, I'm really really strong.  So strong that, even though you and my other henchman Dodoria are both very strong by other peoples' standards, my deformed toe is stronger than both of you combined.  Yes, my deformed toe.  My little toe there on my foot which is a genetic defect.*  It is smaller than even a normal small toe.

* The deformed toe was first mentioned in episode 9, in the middle of Freeza's long speech.  You probably skipped over it, though, and thus missed this important plot point.

Zarbon:  Yes, well, I really must be...

Freeza:  How does it feel to know that, though the two of you are elites of the galaxy, compared to me you are nothing?  Nothing, I say!  Yes, I am so mighty that even if I had only the use of my deformed toe, I would be able to dominate the galaxy!  Yes, I am so...

Several hours later...

Freeza:  And in conclusion, I am strong!  Hey, what's for dinner?  (walks off)

Zarbon:  (looks at Freeza's foot as he walks off)  I'm pretty sure he doesn't even have a deformed toe.  It looks normal sized to me.

Dodoria:  Hey, is it dinner time?  I smell food!  I will eat a very large helping of food!  Because I am so fat!  Ha ha ha.

Random Guard:  (walking by)

Dodoria:  (grabs the guard)  You there!  Give me food, or I will eat YOU!

Zarbon:  I fucking hate this job.

End Episode Eleven

On the next episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, some or all of the people may or may not reach planet Namek.  I don't know yet.  I pretty much make these up as they go along.  I guess I'll probably write some jokes about Gokou trying to get a space ship, and I'll continue the thing with Gohan and the space monsters, and then maybe I'll say something about Dodoria being fat.  If I feel like it.  So... yeah.  Read it.  It will be, like, good.

Writing these previews is getting annoying

 
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