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Episode 8
"The damn battle finally ends"

On the last episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, Gokou and Vegeta battled, and blah blah blah.  You remember.

Vegeta:  No!  It's Godzilla!

Godzilla:  Rooooawr!  (claws Vegeta)

Vegeta:  He wants a rematch!  Okay then, I'll kill you, then I'll kill Kakarot!

Gokou:  Well this is unexpected.

Random Japanese little girl:  Go!  Godzilla!  You must defeat evil space monkey, and save planet Earth!  Fight!  For everlasting peace!  (It's not clear where she came from)

Vegeta:  (punches Godzilla in the mouth)

Godzilla:  (stumbles backwards)

Vegeta:  (ki blasts Godzilla)  You cannot defeat me!  I am a Saiyan price, and you are a mere Lizard-thing baron!

Godzilla:  (falls down, destroying a building)

Gokou:  Where the hell did that building come from?  Aren't we in the middle of the desert?

Random Japanese little girl:  Proverb say "Wherever monkey and salamander dance are buildings born."

Gokou:  And I always thought that was a load of bull.

Godzilla:  (gets up and claws a large gash in Vegeta's side)

Vegeta:  Ow!  That's it, I'm taking you down right now!  (begins a flurry of punches and kicks against Godzilla)

Krillen and Gohan:  (having just flown in, they land on the ground)

Gohan:  See?  I knew something was wrong.

Krillen:  Yeah, this makes perfect sense.  That light you saw clearly caused these two monsters to appear.

Gohan:  Maybe it attracted them.  Like mosquitos.  Hey, what happened to Vegeta?

Meanwhile, in heaven.

Chouzu:  This kicks ass.

Yamucha:  Sure does.  Heaven is great.  Why doesn't anyone want to come here?

Tien:  In heaven, no one cares about my freakish third eye.

Yamucha:  And no one cares about my frequent infidelity.  No bitchy Bulma around here to whine "Wah, wah, wah, how dare you cheat one me with seven other women... at the same time."  All those preachy Christians who thought you had to be faithful to get in here WASTED THEIR LIVES!

Nearby man:  (looks at his What Would Jesus Do bracelet, then starts crying)

Chouzu:  And there's no Krillen either!  I'm sure glad I didn't kill him, because then he'd be here instead of me!

Piccolo:  (walks in)  Hey guys!

Chouzu, Tien & Yamucha:  Piccolo!

Piccolo:  Yep, I died too.

Tien:  Great, we'll hang out together.

Piccolo:  Are there sitcoms in heaven?

Yamucha:  More sitcoms than you could ever watch.

Piccolo:  Wow.

Chouzu:  Hey guys, want to go get something to eat at that fancy heaven restaurant over there?

Yamucha:  "Mr. Popo's Place."  Yeah, looks good.

All:  (they walk into the restaurant)

Mr. Popo:  Hello, and welcome to Mr. Popo's Place!  How can I- (gasp)  It's you!  The guy who poisoned me, and the guys who didn't care!

Chouzu:  Hi Mr. Popo!  Hey, do you run this restaurant?

Yamucha:  I just assumed it was a different Mr. Popo.  Who'd have thought it would be you?

Mr. Popo:  Yes, I run it.  And I'm not about to let a bunch of MURDERERS eat here!

Chouzu:  Hey, chill out.  It was an accident.

Piccolo:  Yeah, and besides, you wound up here, didn't you?  So it was a good thing!

Mr. Popo:  It... it's the thought that counts!  Now out!  Out!  Out!  Vinnie!  Show these "men" to the door!

Vinnie:  (he is a large muscled blue-skinned, horned thing)  Right away, boss.  (picks up the four of them, and throws them out of the restaurant)  And stay out!

Tien:  I guess we'll have to eat in another restaurant, then.

Chouzu, Yamucha & Piccolo:  (stare at him)

Tien:  Haha.  Just kidding.  Let's think up a zany plan to get into this restaurant.

All:  Yeah!

Some time later...

All four of them walk into the restaurant, dressed in different clothes.  Chouzu is wearing a toupee and high boots to make him look taller.  Tien has a bandana covering his third eye, and a fake mustache.  Yamucha is wearing glasses and lab coat.  Piccolo has a pink, frilly dress.

Mr. Popo:  Welcome to... (looks suspiciously at them)  Welcome to Mr. Popo's Place.  How can I serve you?

Tien:  Yes, you do not know us.  We would like to eat food.  At Mr. Popo's Place.

Yamucha:  I am a scientist.

Mr. Popo:  Rrriiiiight.  I'll get you a table.

Chouzu:  Hey, it's working!  He didn't recognize us!  Because we're wearing disguises!

Piccolo:  I feel pretty.

Mr. Popo:  Um, here, sit down.  Here are your menus.

Yamucha:  Thank you, good sir.  I will now look at this menu, through these glasses, which I need to see.  Because I'm a scientist, and have poor eyesight.  So I need to wear these glasses which I am wearing in order to see the menu.

Tien:  (kicks Yamucha)

Yamucha:  Why did you kick me?  I AM A SCIENTIST!  I WILL REPROGRAM YOUR DNA!

Mr. Popo:  So, uh... (his eyes narrow)  I heard that on planet Earth, Krillen became Alpha Midget.

Chouzu:  (looks up at Mr. Popo and frowns)  Yes... I heard that too.

Mr. Popo:  I am glad.  He was obviously the best.

Chouzu:  (leaps up and violently grabs Mr. Popo by the shirt)  No he was not!  I am the best!

Others:  (sigh)

Chouzu:  (weakly)  I mean... Chouzu is the best.  (his toupee falls off)

Others:  (throw their hands up in the air)  Chouzu!

Mr. Popo:  Vinnie!

Back on planet Earth...

Yajirobe:  Hey, Krillen!  Gohan!  What's up?

Krillen:  Do you know what the hell is going on?

Yajirobe:  Well, Gokou was beating up Vegeta, and then he turned into that monkey, and a giant lizard came in, and a little girl spoke in broken english, and then they crushed a building that wasn't there before.

Krillen:  Oh, of coarse.

Gokou:  Yes, it's all clear to me now.  Vegeta is King Kong.  (having a flashback)  I remember when I was a child, King Kong killed my grandfather.  It was Vegeta all the time!  Vegeta killed my grandfather!  AND THEN HE CAME FROM OUTER SPACE!  And then... wait a minute.

Vegeta:  (picks up the already battered Godzilla by the tail, and slams him again and again into the ground)  Eat it, you big green bitch!  (Gives him one final heave, sending up flying into the nearby cliff side)

Godzilla:  (hits the cliff hard, smashing it, and is still)

Random Japanese little girl:  No!  Godzilla!  (runs over to his hulking form)  Godzilla is pass on to land of wind and ghosts.  He was truly gentle creature by nature.  He is never die in our hearts.

Vegeta:  Now, what was I doing?  Oh yes, killing Kakarot.  (walks over to and picks up Gokou)

Gokou:  Hold on, I'm having a little trouble understanding something.  Maybe if you can- (being squeezed incredibly tight)  Ow!

Vegeta:  This reminds me of when I was kid and I used to torture and kill small animals.  Ahh, memories.

Gokou:  But could you please just explain- QUIT IT!  THAT HURTS!

Vegeta:  And after I defeat you, I can get the Dragon Balls and wish away all Sailor Moon action figures in the universe!  THERE IS NO MORE NAPPA TO TELL ME TO WISH FOR IMMORTALITY!

Krillen:  No!  Even my anatomically correct Sailor Mercury?!  I will stop you!  Destructo Disk!  (a flying energy disk shoots from his hands, and towards Vegeta)

Vegeta:  Huh?  (dodges the attack)  Ha!  You fool!  Did you really think you could cut off my- oh shit.  (he starts to shrink)

Random Japanese little girl:  (behind Vegeta, holding a katana)  I am continue fighting, for memory of Godzilla.

Yajirobe:  Wow!  That little girl cut off Vegeta's tail!  I guess they don't need my help.  I'm gonna go do something really zany and unpredictable.  (throws a capsule onto the ground, creating a car, which he drives off in)

Back in heaven.

Mr. Popo:  Hmm, I sure hope those guys don't try to get back into my restaurant again.  Hey, who's that strangely familiar looking guy in a suit?

Yamucha:  (wearing a black suit and a fake mustache)  Yes, I am inspector Ahcumay from the department of kicking people out of restaurants.

Mr. Popo:  Ah, inspector Ahcumay!  Have a seat!  What can I do for you?

Yamucha:  Yes, I understand you have been kicking a certain group of people out of this restaurant and not allowing them to eat.

Mr. Popo:  Yes, well, you see, one of them killed me.  And I don't particularly feel like serving food to someone who killed me.  That's all.

Yamucha:  Mr. Popo, are you aware that article 17 of the kicking people out of restaurants penal code states that you may NOT bar someone from eating at the restaurant which you own because of personal vendettas over events which took place while you were still alive?

Mr. Popo:  It... it does?

Yamucha:  Yes.  And this is a very serious offense.  You could have your restaurant shut down, and spend 10 to 15 years in hell.

Mr. Popo:  Oh my.  Oh please, don't make me go to hell.  I'm soft!  I'll never last a week!

Yamucha:  I suppose I can let you off this one time.  As long as you let those people eat here.

Mr. Popo:  Oh!  Thank you sir!  I will!  You won't get any more trouble out of me!

Yamucha:  I had better not.  I'll be watching you.  (he walks out)

Outside the restaurant.

Yamucha:  (takes off the mustache)  He fell for it, guys!

Chouzu:  Hooray!

Tien:  I'm starved.

Piccolo:  I am a Namek, and thus do not eat*, but I too am glad that we are able to attend this restaurant run by someone who hates us.

*  Nameks do not eat food, they only drink water.  This is mentioned once during the entire series, and only a dweeb would know it.

Yamucha:  (takes off the suit, revealing his normal clothes underneath)  And now we just walk in.

All:  (enter the restaurant)

Piccolo:  Hey Mr. Popo, are you sure you don't want us to eat here.

Mr. Popo:  I just found out it's illegal to kick you out, so I guess I'll have to serve you.

Tien:  Excellent.  Please don't keep us waiting.

Chouzu:  (giggle)

Mr. Popo:  (seats them, grudgingly)  Here are your menus.  Please don't stay long.  (walks off)

Piccolo:  With an attitude like that, don't expect a tip.

Yamucha:  Heh heh.

Man in suit:  (walks in)

Mr. Popo:  Can I help you sir?

Man in suit:  I'm inspector Ahcumay from the department of kicking people out of restaurants.

Mr. Popo:  What are you talking about?  Inspector Ahcumay was just here!

Man in suit:  Nonsense.  I am inspector Ahcumay.  I just came to congratulate you on what a fine job you're doing.

Mr. Popo:  Oh you did, did you?  (looks over at Yamucha and the others)

Yamucha:  Hey!  How about some service here?

Mr. Popo:  How would you like a demonstration, inspector?  Vinnie!

Back on Earth.

Vegeta:  You cut off my tail, you little bitch!  Now you will DIE!!!  (ki blasts Japanese girl)

Random Japanese little girl:  I am give my life, just like Godzilla.  Secret of friendship is in all of us.  (dies)

Krillen:  Oh no!  Vegeta killed that girl!  Whoever she was.

Gokou:  So wait.  Vegeta killed my grandfather, right?

Gohan:  (looks up at the artificial moon)  Wow, pretty.  ROOOOAAAR!  (suddenly a giant monkey, much like Vegeta just was.)

Gokou:  Oh my god!  Gohan is also King Kong!  IT WAS GOHAN!  GOHAN KILLED MY GRANDFATHER!

Gohan:  (walking towards Vegeta)

Vegeta:  Crap.  (flies backwards)

Gohan:  (swatting at Vegeta, who dodges)

Vegeta:  This is bad.  If only someone would cut off his tail.  Oh, wait.  (uses a ki blast to sever Gohan's tail)  Heh heh.  That was easy.  NO ONE CAN DEFEAT A SUPER SAIYAN!  And now- (splat)

Gohan:  (falls on Vegeta, before reverting to normal)

Vegeta:  (crushed into the ground, every bone in his body broken, face utterly destroyed, bleeding from too-numerous-to-count wounds)  Pain.

Krillen:  (picks up the little girl's sword)  Now I am going to finish you off, you bad nasty alien!

Gokou:  Krillen, wait!

Krillen:  Yeah, just a sec.  I have to kill Vegeta.

Gokou:  No!  You can't!

Krillen:  WHAT?!

Gokou:  He's already learned his lesson.  I'm sure he won't destroy any more planets or anything.  Almost positive.

Vegeta:  Yes I will.

Gokou:  He's probably lying.

Vegeta:  I'm also going to dedicate my life to claiming revenge on you.  It would be really stupid not to kill me.

Gokou:  Don't listen to him!  Let him live!

Krillen:  (looking back and forth between Vegeta and Gokou)  They both have such good points.  But Gokou, Vegeta killed all our friends!  Don't you want revenge?

Gokou:  Krillen, we've both been dead.  You should know that killing people really isn't such a bad thing.

Krillen:  Good point.

Gokou:  And besides, if Vegeta dies... he won't be able to give birth to a super-hunky teen heartthrob named after underwear, and then who will obsessive adolescent girls (and gay boys) build elaborate fan shrines to?

Vegeta:  If you don't kill me, I'm going to make your life a living hell.  I haven't learned my lesson, I haven't even remotely turned good.  I still like killing things, and destroying planets, and I intend to destroy many many more innocent lives if you let me go.  Including yours.

Krillen:  (looks back and forth from Vegeta to Gokou again.  Sighs, and drops the sword)

Vegeta:  Idiots.  (calls his space ship, and gets into it.  It flies off)

Krillen:  I think we made the right decision.

Gokou:  I think so too, Krillen.  I think so too.

Suddenly, a huge ball of fire flies onto the scene at incredible speeds, bathing them all in an eerie red glow.  As the fires die down, a human form is revealed in the center of the inferno.

Chi-Chi:  Gokou honey.

Gokou:  Chi-Chi...

Chi-Chi:  (lands on the ground and picks up the unconscious Gohan)  Naked?!  He was running around naked?!  My son has been corrupted!

Gokou:  That's only because he turned into a giant ape, and his clothes ripped.

Chi-Chi:  Are you mocking me or something!

Gokou:  No dear!  I would never!  I would never mock you!

Chi-Chi:  It doesn't matter.  Even if you weren't, it doesn't matter.

Gokou:  (gulp)

Chi-Chi:  It's time... for you to die.

Heaven

Yamucha:  Hey, Popo!  What's the holdup!  (feels Vinny's arm on his shoulder)  Hey, if you kick us out again I'll report you to the inspector?

Inspector Ahcumay:  Who?  You mean me?

Yamucha:  Uh oh.

Piccolo:  (leaps up)  Come on guys!  If we can't stay in through trickery, we'll use brute force!  (attacks Vinny)

Tien:  Right on!  (helping Piccolo against Vinny)

Yamucha:  (also helping, the fight is wreaking the place pretty bad)

Mr. Popo:  My restaurant!  No!  Argh, I'll kill all of you!

Chouzu:  I don't think so, fatty!  (engages Mr. Popo in combat)

Mr. Popo:  I will kill you!  (his punch is dodged by Chouzu)

Chouzu:  (ki blasts Mr. Popo)

Mr. Popo:  (a hole blown through his chest, he falls to the ground)

All:  (stop fighting and look in that direction)

Chouzu:  Oops.  Guess I overdid it.

Inspector Ahcumay:  Well, he died in the afterlife.  That means he's really gone now.

Tien:  That's a shame.

Inspector Ahcumay:  Let this be a lesson to all of us.  We shouldn't let little personal disputes get in the way of friendships.

Chouzu:  You're right, inspector.  I'm sorry.  (looks ashamed)

Inspector Ahcumay:  Oh, all right then.

Chouzu:  Too bad about Mr. Popo dying, though.

Inspector Ahcumay:  Yeah, too bad about that.

All:  (laugh)

Freeze frame

End Episode Eight

Gokou and the others have finally defeated the evil Saiyans, but now they face an even greater threat, Chi-Chi.  Can they possibly hope to defeat her, especially in their weakened state?  What horrible things does she have planned for them?  Find out in the next exiting episode of Dragon Ball Z Rewrite, "Aftermath."

 
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